Looking back along my life thus far I can point out many “bookmark moments.” Specific events, good and bad, that have molded me into who I am.
There have been plenty of opportunities to allow bitterness to take root. On the flip side, there has been the beauty of brokenness. It’s one thing to know Jesus as your Saviour & another to experience what it means to have Him meet you “there”—amid unexpected rejections, feelings of worthlessness, tear-stained pillowcases, anger, clenched fists, fighting through hatred, depression, anxieties, warring in your own mind, suicidal contemplation—feel Him wrap His arms around you & let you crumble at His feet. Only to hear His gentle whisper. Feel the unmatched grace of your Creator’s hand tightly woven into yours as He lifts you to stand by His strength, having exhausted your own.
That is the heart of this song. Ernest prayers beginning in early spring. Late nights walking & humming to myself. Wondering if the Lord had really given me this song. Questions & wariness. A dear friend’s help with lyrical wisdom & the gift of tune writing. Written prayers. Using the limited bit of knowledge I have to pick out the chords on a keyboard, surrendering it to the Lord & finally stepping over fears to show my parents the finished song in November of that year. The Lord brought all the pieces together in 2021, this song tells my testimony. Coming from a very dark place that spans the course of over 2 years when I was in the deepest place of depression & internalized it all until 2019 when I completely broke down to my parents, & older sister, during summer vacation. That is where healing began. This song is a journey. From accepting the gift of salvation through the blood of Jesus, to the nearly unshakable weight of depression, coming to full recognition of the powerlessness of me, and being faced with the power of transforming grace.. It’s vulnerable. It’s real.
I have prayed for years that the Lord would specifically give me a burden. Over the past few months I have felt a growing passion for reaching out to those who are currently struggling with, or have battled, depression, anxiety & suicidal ideation/attempts.
When I stopped searching so hard to find my personal burden & ministry, and stepped back, the Lord has begun to open my eyes to the opportunities right in front of me. Asking, “what’s your struggle?” Has turned into many 1 on 1 conversations, as others let down their walls a bit, baring their souls to share their stories. I’m now grateful for the times when I felt Unheard/unseen, it is through those times that I learned the value of simply having someone to listen. Showing up to meet others in their brokenness without pretense or agenda, other than to share with them the hope found in Jesus.
What does it mean to be Living Alive?
“yet not I, but Christ liveth in me.” (Gal. 2:20)
The gospel message God calls us to share is this:
– There are millions of people walking around, physically alive, but wondering how to start living. (Eph. 2:1,4)
– In coming to know Jesus as our personal Saviour, “old things are passed away, behold ALL things become new.” (2 Cor. 5:17)
– There is abundant life rooted in Christ. Thus we are no longer meant to just survive. We are now abundantly living, alive in Christ. (Jn. 10:10)
My heart posture remains one of gratitude and expectation. I have tasted of the goodness of the Lord, and fervently desire to experience God move & work in ways I may never fully see or understand.
That the lost will come to know my Jesus, that He not only sets the sinner free from sin, but that He is Hope, joy & peace. Then to the saved—Christians who have sunk into such a low place as Satan has attacked them inside their own minds, our biggest battlefield—that they would come to be reminded that Jesus still knows their name, still cares, still sees.
May the sweetness of the Lord’s presence be evident through me, and may Christ be magnified.
My prayer remains,
“teach me to sit with the broken & open my eyes to see others as you see them, Jesus.”
Regardless of who you are, where you’re at, or what you’ve done, Jesus loves you boundlessly. Here’s a bit of my story; I would be honored to hear yours.